Monday, January 16, 2012

Help Edit This Halloween Story?

Question by Denver: Help Edit This Halloween Story?
Ok I've been helping my little brother edit this story for class.
And now we're totally lost.
His teacher wants him to make a Halloween story.
Tell me if he needs to :
Add Something.
Delete Something.
Please try to remember he is only in 6th grade.
Its Not A Poem.
I'm writing it and I write weird. (:
Just tell me if it needs anything.
I'll tell him in some hours to fix it. (:
Don't tell me 'It's Fine'
He and I know it's not fine.
He said he needs more Dialogue

Here it begins :

It was a chilly, foggy night.
The moon was high.
The sky was dark.
All I could see were faint lights, and glowing from Halloween decorations in peoples lawn.

There were two people with me.
John, Jill, and me, George.
John, was Jill's little brother.
John was short and clumsy.
Jill was weird and creepy.
I am strand and funny.

We were all going trick or treating.
We were on a street we've never been on.
There were lots of houses with decorations of BIG pumpkins , and tiny pumpkins.
Haunted Houses flickered on and off.

I heard screaming, laughter, and music.
I smelt pumpkins, candy, and popcorn.
Kids, passing by with pillow cases ful of candy.

One hour later we were done...
All the houses were done.

"How do we get out of this place?" John said tiredly.

"I know a short cut!" Jill said

"Lets go then," I intisapated

Jill lead us down to the woods

It was so dark that we had too use glow sticks.
It was so dark we couldn't even see ourselves.

"We're lost!" John said.
"No we're not." Jill said angerly.

She was right.
She knew the woods very well.

We walked around and around.
Trying to find a way to get out.
We stumbled and fell on roots.
The crunching of leaves, and twigs under out feet.
The pitter patter of animals feet.

Twent - some minutes later, the glow sticks ran out.
We were now lost!
We had no way to get out of the woods.
I looked in the back of me, glowing like, lights.
Very faint.

Look," I said surrprisingly. "Lights everywhere!"

Maybe there are people," Jill said "They could help us get out."

We were trying to get closer and closer.
After we were about three feet, we heard fimiliar voices, voices we knew.



I heard, I turned around and saw Jill and John shrugging.

After the 'shhh' the lights went out. I was scared.

"What do we do?" Jill whispered.

"Well, we still can go near the light that was there." I replied

We all walkedd toward it.
As we moved the small branches infront of us, everone jumped out.


Jill, John, and I fell to out feet.
Everyone there were our friends.
It was a Halloween Party.
I saw Ghost, Vampires, Zombiess, Fairys.
The weirdest one I saw was the Burger King Man.

After about an hour.
Everone was gone.
It was empty.

this time we knew out way back.
The Halloween Party was on our street.

We said out 'Good Byes' and 'This was the best halloween ever' with a sack of candy on our back.
And we went out opposite ways.

The End.
It's sopose to be spelled wrong.
It's a kids book.

Add your own answer in the comments!


  1. Quite spelling errors!! Read thoroughly and correct yourself...

    Because if I did it it might mean same poem to you and you might not find the corrections.

  2. This is a huge task. My first observation is about sentence structure. The sentences are far too simple for sixth grade writing. I'd put this on a 3rd, maybe 4th grade level.

    For example, the first three sentences could be combined into one with the use of commas.

    Furthur, many of the discriptive sentences can be changed into dialogue by simply having someone speak them aloud. Such as:
    "Look how bright the moon is against the dark sky, a perfect night for werewolves", Jill teased John. She was always saying creepy things like that to scare her little brother.