Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Torn Between Two Men (Please read long description.) What should I do? (Mature responses please.)?

Question by labellopoolady: Torn Between Two Men (Please read long description.) What should I do? (Mature responses please.)?
I am at a state of confusion because of my relationships with two men. I love them both dearly. However, I am afraid that I am "in love" with only one of them, but through an illusion. Let me explain in as full detail as I can.

My current boyfriend, "John", and I have been together for almost two years. We both are in college and live in separate apartments in the same neighborhood. He is 26 and I just turned 21. I feel like my relationship with John is only on one level. We both are musicians, artists, and work very hard to live fruitfully as young students. He is to any woman, a "keeper", because he is handsome, intelligent, responsible, romantic, passionate, sensitive and also caring. He is madly in love with me and wants to be with me for a very long time. It is hard to find in my mind/heart why I am not deeply in love with him. John has introduced me to his endless circle of friends but he hasn't introduced me to his family who lives only ten minutes away from me. We have been together for a while too so this factor is so strange to me. His reasons for not introducing me to his family are very peculiar... I notice the little things he does that really make me upset. We usually have drastically different point of views on our arguments as we are both very strong and stubborn people. Over the last few months, our arguments have increased to the point where I do not feel fulfilled and free to be myself around him. Our arguments sometimes are verbally violent, but never physically. Whenever we communicate to each other after our arguments, we both come up with solutions that only last for a week. This results in a cycle of continuous similar arguments. I am unhappy and frustrated being with John even though he really does sometimes go out of his way to cheer me up. But lately, I've noticed that he has become much more selfish. He is always late and his excuses are constantly about not noticing how much time goes by. I give so much to John because I want him to succeed. If he needs time in the studio, I willingly let him have his space even though deep down inside, I want him to spend time with me. John sees things in black and white, and I see in between.

Five years ago, before I met John, I met "Bob" through a mutual friend. At the time, Bob was 29 and I was 16. For the next six months, we would casually visit each other. He introduced me to a new world of possibilities-- music, art, films, places, cuisine-- things that I couldn't have discovered without meeting Bob. Our chemistry was so strong, that our platonic relationship was dwindling down towards awkward sexual tension. Bob and I felt incredibly demoralized, before taking any illegal advances on each other, we both decided that it would be best to not see each other until "the future".

To this day, Bob and I have been communicating via chatting/phone about everything, except for our feelings for each other nearly every day. We talk about work, dreams, problems, little events, and even giving each other relationship advice and always asking each other about our other significant others. When I think of him, he is colourful and exciting.

Six months ago, Bob and I reunited in physical form for the first time in about 4 years. Bob was in a long distance relationship with a woman who lived miles away on the other side of the states. Both of them were not doing too well. Coincidentally, John and I had problems at the time too. That night, Bob and I kissed for the first time. We were both inebriated but the experience I can remember well. That night was exhilarating. I woke up the next morning in Bob's bedroom. Both of us ended up feeling incredibly guilty for cheating on our other partners. I cried because I hurt John. Bob and I decided to keep it a secret from both of our other lovers.

Last night, Bob called me to tell me that his girlfriend of two years, the one who lived on the other coast, just dumped him. I asked him if he was alright, and he said that he was confused and not necessarily sad. I asked him why, and deep down in my heart I already knew what he was going to say next. He told me that I am always on his mind and still likes me. He wanted to see me as soon as possible. He proceeded to say things that just melted my heart, things that reminded me of how caring he is and how much we've shared with each other. However, I am afraid that Bob is an illusion because I only speak to him through our technology. I am afraid that he will be a different person in reality because through online chatting, there is a barrier. Even though I think this, I am willing to take chances. Perhaps too abruptly. I am on the verge of breaking up with John to be with Bob. Throughout that conversation, Bob constantly had to remind himself that I still had a boyfriend even though he wanted to see me that night.

On another note, I am stressing out about where I will live in the next few months. John applied for a job out in Europe and is waiting fo

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